social (in)security

So, last week I go to the Social Security office to change my name; however, in the process I decide they are the ones in need of a name change. There's nothing secure about that place. In fact, the longer I am there, the more insecure I feel. I become insecure of my safety, health, and possession of my umbrella. It's Sketchville, USA and I don't want to be a citizen any longer than necessary. As I am there, I began to pray the line moves quickly and "A104" is called next. Why?  The following are just a few of my many reasons:

1. Someone's panties are in a wad...literally. There's an abandoned pair of Hanes on the floor (see photo above).

2. Lady to my right is talking yelling at the wall. Her panties are obviously in a wad too, but in a figurative sense. I think she's angry at the government (Realization: actually I think I am the only one who isn't right now)

3. Lady comes to sit on my row, but seems to be inspecting something before sitting down. Oh, its a used band-aid. Before she sits, she flicks the used band-aid out of the chair. Just my luck-- it lands on the floor in front of me. Bonus.

4. Shortly after, a man comes over to sit between the band-aid flicker and me. After taking the pick out of his hair and laying it a little too-close-for-comfort, he spills his coffee without knowing. Oops. What is nastier than a used band-aid? A coffee soaked one. In front of you. Beside a stranger's abandoned underwear.

5. Halfway through the show, a cross-eyed, homeless man enters the building and steals someone's umbrella. Maybe it's his. I think not, he just walked through the door umbrellaless. He grabs the golf umbrella and sits down behind me.

20 minutes later...

"A104, please come to window #2" Thank you, Lord.
I stood up,
Looked down to ensure no eye contact was made with wall-talker,
Reached for my umbrella, couldn't find it!
Wait, I didn't bring an umbrella, ok I'm good.
Leaped over the coffee stained band-aid,
Side stepped the underwear,
And made a bee-line for the window #2.

The nice lady told me I should get my Social (in)Security card with my new name in 2 weeks. If not, I can come back. Yeah right. If not, I am thinking "Danielle Nicholson" always had a nice ring to it...